The days have become more frequent where I wish to push out into the world searching for my purpose. I exist in a realm that no longer believes in dreams and refuse to allow my fears-those of the rational-to overtake my need to make a difference. And yet, waiting I still am, waiting for a glimmer of a sign, for the right time, for courage. There is no way of knowing he outcome, but knowing that I did not try will be forever a torment. I hope to stay in this mind forever-connected in the present, considering tomorrow and being fearful of it, dreading the monotony it will bring with its daily responsibilities, but knowing that it does not define me. A stepping stone on my journey to finding fulfillment. I feel so much emotion. So much love, while feeling solitary all at once. I reach out and touch others, forcing realization on them, and yet I have not reached that realization for myself. Perhaps it is in the hope of finding myself in helping others find themselves. Does this mean I lose my self? Isn't the goal to have no sense of self? To have no ego?
I have lost myself once-so far away was the concept of myself as an individual, my own thoughts, desires, dreams. To be wrapped entirely around a concept, one that is false at that, is the ultimate torture. Somehow, despite pangs of embarrassment or frustration over time lost, I am glad. Glad that I sacrificed it all in order to try and save what good was left; to kindle it until it was able to maintain its own light.
I think that, though there still is much darkness in that self, there is at least the acknowledgement, the awareness of that light; and I am happy for it.
We say that you cannot help someone that does not want to be helped. Am I too overflowing with thoughts that I have become impenetrable? Is this why I am not quite as far as I had imagined? Or is it that I just have not yet found the exact path? I do change as the sands with where I am meant to be, but the underlying feeling of what I should be doing is constant: I must connect with the world in order to find my place and give back so others may do the same.
To love yourself is to love life, your family, friends, everything that has happened to you, and everything that will. These are what make you who you are-defining characteristics which we call flaws are the reasons why people in your life love you. They are your defining moments, your acceptance of what is, your letting go of what may be.
We are lost, all of us in this world. Blind to the peaceful existence that is so simply achieved. We are burdened with what we don't have-things we think we need. What more do we need than knowledge and love? The rest will come. Security. Probably the most basic, most highly desired (treasure) that is seemingly unattainable on a number of levels can be acquired. We only need to look within ourselves. With acceptance it comes. With love it flourishes. We are all capable.
Letting go is the beginning and the most difficult obstacle as the heart is seemingly treacherous. Afraid of being hurt, it tricks us into thinking we may want something else instead of taking the risk to find truth-our ultimate meaning.
Scattered. Again. There are so many distractions and temptations that work to pull us away, urging us to stray from the path and be miserable as they are, and testing you-challenging your will and worthiness of achieving such unfiltered joy.
Those that have already given up on their dreams. Those that recognize what is missing but are too fearful to lose what they have to fight for it. At the same time, all that they have acquired becomes meaningless as all they can think about is that which they do not have, that which they were meant to do, but didn't. And so they are left wanting more, material things, that offer no solace to the gaping hole in their souls.
It's easier said than done. I can ramble on about what should be, but until I have fully transcended, I too am guilty of tearing down my own soul. I not only contribute to, but create my own misery. I choose to be sad, to focus ok the negativity.
Feeling is a natural human quality. But with age and routine, we become numb; and so we long for it, finding situations where we can have a sense of something different in order to feel alive. Some have found this through negative experiences, the latter are lucky enough to consistently place themselves in positive situations. Either way, it is a matter of feeling something through the charging of emotions. And so, some are drawn to chaos. Negativity breeds chaos, and after the storm there will be light. However, this is a much less efficient route, and less fulfilling as one can find a direct path by remaining a channel, open to all the world has to offer. There is life in everything, and one can learn the ways of universal truths through the shared energy of everything. All is one.
I search for inspiration in the deviant and novel, ignorant to that which is directly in front of me. We are all the same everywhere. People living here feel the same emotions as people living anywhere else. We all strive for a meaningful, sustainable existence at the core. Just sometimes we lose track, tempted by immediacy.
A slower life means taking time to understand more. Understanding more allows for better efficiency. It is a cycle. Take time. Learn, grow, share, repeat.